I believe I might have been too hasty in accepting the invitation to the party on Saturday. My original thought was to see Addie, and while my intention was to stay only for a short while, my present inclination is to remain at home. School begins soon enough: I'll be able to speak to her there, or at the very least post her a letter. This is what I shall promptly do.

I had a dream of my mum last night. She was cutting blossoms from the large lilac bush that grows grew grows in the garden, her face partially shadowed by the large brimmed hat she was wont to wear. She asked me to call for Robbie, that my brother had promised to help her, but he still hadn't arrived. It felt so real. I awoke feeling completely disorientated and realised that tears were rolling down my face. Even now, it's difficult to write this without being choked with emotion.

They inform me Campion Park is being rebuilt, but it will never be the same.

On a late page of the Herald the announcement was posted. Magister Kyteler's near school-aged daughter's lineage was announced. I am utterly aghast. The poor Doctora, no wonder things have been so cool at home! I never imagined he could be such a cad And no wonder everyone is so sad. Addie, poor dear, is holding up so very bravely.

I'm glad I accepted the invitation to that party, though I still do not feel at all festive. I do, however, feel a bit like a fight and I should very much like to be there at least briefly to see that Addie is well and no one attempts to smear her or make her cry.

I want to visit them too! I want to see Addie and her mum and give them both hugs and be strong for them, as they've been so strong to bear with this. Most of all I want to tell Addie that she is very silly to think that this affair business would make me want to be any less her friend! Not a jot. I want to stand strongly with her, and her Mum, and everyone.

Well, I did end up going to Goblins Market yesterday, but not as I’d planned to. It was much better, as Addie and her friends and Hadrian came to get me and we all went shopping together. Miss Bainbridge, who is newly friends with Addie, was there along with Arianwen and Marlie. Everyone was very nice, and I felt much more cheerful. Addie apologised for being distracted when we’ve seen each other, which I told her was utterly unnecessary. With all she’s doing, I’m surprised she has any time at all! Her family is so dedicated to the War Effort, it must be very trying on them. I wish now that I’d signed up for the Healer’s seminar, but as poor as I am at herbals and compounding, I cannot imagine that I’d make good marks or be of much use. Perhaps I’ll see if I can add it, though. At least then I might learn enough to make some difference.

Hadrian said the most outrageous things, I could not help but laugh. I suppose I really wasn’t very ladylike, laughing at a boy’s jokes and tagging along after older students. But it was great fun. Hadrian left early, with a preposterous excuse, which is a bit of a pity. But when I tried to excuse myself, the others insisted I shouldn’t travel alone and wanted to go with me. I oughtn’t have dragged everyone around like that, but we ended up at supper and then at the dueling salle and watched the fencers’ practice. Miss Bainbridge had an appointment, but everyone else stayed with me to watch! I was so touched, and they seemed to have fun even though I’m sure I was the only one enjoying the fencing itself. The fencers were very handsome as well, though, so perhaps that added to the appeal. Afterward we talked as we strolled about, and when I got home I felt so much better.

I should write Addie to thank her and ask her to thank the others for being so kind as to stay with me; it made the day wonderful. And I wonder if it would be too improper to tease Hadrian for having missed the fencing? But I feel ever so much more hopeful about things. I think I shall go practice a bit.

I cannot stay I'm very restless I'm going out tomorrow I think. I need to buy my school things anyway, and I think I'll just stay near the shops. I can read, or eat, or... or anything that is not sit here and mope. Moping is wearisome. Adele has visited recently but she seemed very distracted and mentioned that things were a bit uncomfortable at home. Emelia is wonderful as always, of course, and I must be very mean to be so distant to her. I don't mean to be.

As long as I am here I feel as though I am succumbing to a very defeatist attitude, and that is not acceptable. I should be about, doing something, finding a way to make change, or at least learning to do enough to be able to make that change later!

I wonder about stories of girls sneaking out in boy's clothes? Perhaps I could do that, I've money for the gates. Perhaps I could get more fencing lessons, and read through dueling books, and listen to what people are saying about the war. Father always said that the Herald was biased and to know what people really think one must listen to them direct.

I can't believe they buried my famil... I don't know what to say. It's not real.

I miss them. The funeral and burial and wake were all very proper and everyone sent condolences and it all ran together into a big blur. And why was I at Emelia's that day anyway? I do not want to be left here when everyone else...

No, I'm glad to be alive and everyone is being kind. My godparents, the Kytelers, everyone. I think they gave me potions though as I have slept - albeit restlessly - since then. I must be brave now. I am just not sure how!

Several people said they hoped I would feel up to receiving visitors over the next week and I think I said yes to them all. I shall watch for calling cards and perhaps the company shall keep me from weepin... give me something to do. Perhaps some will have suggestions for how I can fill my time before school. I don't want to think about too many things. But I will study and learn and become stronger. Surely if I was protected it was so that I can help fight and protect others.

They say the Park was struck in a lightning rain! Mummy, Daddy and Robbie are all dead!? How is that possible?

Why?!?